About my future.
I know—what’s new, right?
Recently, I stumbled upon a bunch of fanfiction that I’d written when I was about 12 or 13 and it wasn’t surprising when I felt nostalgic. It was as if the innocence that I had when I was writing these stories suddenly rushed back to me; I was grinning ear-to-ear the whole time I was reading them.
I saw one of these fanfics on the internet—it was the very first fanfic I’ve written—and, God, every bit of it was shitty and full of unfunny one-liners that would make you cry out of annoyance. There were grammatical errors everywhere and the number of main characters is enough to make two football teams. Two.
Still, I loved it. It wasn’t because the story was nice (no, not at all), or because it was so bad that it had become funny. While I was reading this crap, I felt like I was seeing my old self—the ambitious, full-of-life me that had somehow disappeared as I grew up.
This old me had a dream of becoming a writer. She wanted to become an author of a fictional novel. She wanted to write for a magazine that is read by millions of people. She had a plan: finish high school, pursue a degree in journalism, and make all these dreams become her reality. This old me was determined to achieve this. This old me is gone.
Well, as of now. Four years after writing those fanfics, I’ve become a lost puppy. I’m a college student with no concrete goals and the only future that I can see in me right now is graduating (on time). What will I do after that? How will I get a job that concerns the degree (not journalism) that I am studying right now?
This is it. I feel like I’m in a comma*. I’m having a minor existential crisis and I’m afraid that if I don’t set my aspirations by the time I graduate, I’m going to be a period**.
A full stop.
An unemployed fresh grad bum.
And I don’t want that to happen.
*as in this thing: , | a half stop/pause, just like my life that doesn’t seem to be progressing | not referring to comatose
**as in the small dot in a sentence that signifies a full stop, something that will happen to my life if I don’t get my shit together. | not referring to the menstrual cycle