Before anything else, I’m assuming that anyone who reads this knows about Garry Marshall’s Pretty Woman (1990), starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s basically about a prostitute (Roberts) and a businessman (Gere) who fall in love in a span of a week.
Warning: everything below this line is kind of rated PG-15 (or probably higher, depending on your country’s law).
So it was a peaceful Friday morning and I immediately thought, “This day will be awesome,” because why wouldn’t it be? The weather was chilly, I had no classes for that day, and I woke up earlier than usual (and I surprisingly didn’t feel groggy).
I went to the dining area to eat—my grandma was already having her breakfast—and turned the TV on, flipping through the channels that I normally watch. As I browsed through all of them, the only things I found that were worth watching were Shrek The Third (I think) and Pretty Woman, the prime suspect of this incident. I picked the latter.
Reasons Why I Picked Pretty Woman:
- “It’s a freaking rom-com and it’s perfectly alright to watch it with grandma.” —me, before the awkward incident
- I wanted to re-watch the part where Julia Roberts was discriminated by a couple of salesladies because of her outfit.
- I wanted to re-watch the part where she comes back to the same store days later to give them a good burn (figuratively).
- “Big mistake. Big. Huge.” —Vivian Ward
Reasons Why I Didn’t Pick Shrek:
- Shrek Is Love, Shrek Is Life is still fresh on my mind.
Right, so we were both calmly watching the film. Vivian sees Edward’s car, Edward gives her a ride, takes her to his hotel, and all that jazz. AND THEN. There was the part where Vivian was watching I Love Lucy and she started freaking seducing Edward as she seems to prepare to give him the greatest
blowjob he will ever get or something.
[Awkward silence around the house. Awkward atmosphere as Vivian unbuttons Edward’s shirt. Someone stab me.]
And, God, that scene took so long to finish, like how many times did they have to sensually look at each other? I honestly didn’t know what to do that time. Do I switch the channel? Do I run back to my room? Do I act bored, or disgusted with what they were about to do?! I thought this was a romantic comedy? Romantic comedies aren’t supposed to be uncomfortable to watch with a grandmother??? I trusted you, Mr. Marshall?!?!?!
Defense: Yes, I’ve watched Pretty Woman before and I should have been aware of its contents. But look, the last time I watched it, I was still in the UAE, where channels censored these kinds of things, so I had no recollection of this raunchy scene at all.
But it’s all good, right? The hard part was over, so we can now watch the film comfortably again, without me being all awkward around the pre-sex scenes, right?
Of course, not.
About 20 minutes after that part, we see Vivian looking for Edward. Vivian sees Edward playing the piano with a melancholic expression. She consoles him. He carries her and sits her on the piano.
Oh, God —me, as they gave each other intimate gestures.
Not again. Oh, no. —me, as Edward stroked Vivian’s entire body.
😐 (internally screaming) —me, as Edward practically plunges himself onto Vivian while (thank goodness) the camera pans out
Can you feel the pain that I was going through? The level of awkwardness that just skyrocketed because of that scene? I did everything that I could to not make it awkward for both me and my grandma. “What are they doing, right? Ha-ha,” or something along those lines. My grandma just laughed with me and that just made it harder for me to decipher whether or not she was finding it awkward, too.
From what I can recall, there’s another scene (yes, it just doesn’t stop) where they were having a bath together and I remember myself thinking, “Nope. Nah, son. I have had it, I am going back to my abode where I can peacefully regret my decision of picking Pretty Woman instead of Shrek the Third.”
And that’s what I did. And I made sure to switch the channel to somewhere grandmother-friendly so we could all pretend that the past hour did not happen and we didn’t watch that
erotica rom-com film.